Emily
Index
Chapter 13: In Metroland
The move from Blackheath to Northwood was not quite such an upheaval as that from Dublin to London, but Emily and Martin had lived in Blackheath for 8 years, longer than anywhere else in their married life, and had put down roots. Compared with the warmth of acceptance and friendship that had grown up with the south Londoners, the welcome in the well-to-do Middlesex suburb in John Betjeman's Metroland seemed cool.
The vicarage was in Watford Road, a leafy road whose other residents were probably prosperous businessmen and solicitors. Its posh surroundings and ancient brass plate with the words still just visible: 'Do not ring unless an answer is required' attracted the scorn of the local newspaper soon after Emily arrived. Behind its comfortable façade the house was subsiding in the clay soil, slipping into the excavated and levelled lawn, and splits were appearing in the kitchen walls.
There were many attractive things about this house. It was spacious. The garden was pleasantly large, lined with poplars, and included a lawns which had been levelled in days gone by as a tennis court (hence the subsidence), and a small pond near the verandah at the side of the house. The main reception room was large and led onto the verandah, most convenient for entertaining, for Sunday tea, and for Christmas. A small room near the front door was adapted as an office for the parish.
It was when you went through into the kitchen that the problems became clear. There were, as I have said, signs of subsidence. The kitchen was used for normal family meals and was the natural place for people to congregate. Beyond it was a scullery with a sink and working surface. It was dark, inconvenient and generally nasty. It is revealing that when one of the children began to suggest ways in which this scullery could be rebuilt or refitted, Emily said words to the effect of "How nice that someone is thinking about me."
It seemed that her life as vicar's wife did take a toll. She still suffered occasional bilious attacks, and once one of her children caught sight of what he thought was a stranger and thought "My mother will look like that in 20 years," only to see on a second look that it was in fact Emily.
In the event the solution to the scullery, and the whole vicarage, was more drastic. The site was sold - and six houses were built on it - and a new vicarage, this time to excellent standards, was built with the proceeds. At last Emily had a really comfortable home.
The children by this time were grown up, and this may be the place for notes that Emily made for a talk on being a parent. What she said came from experience.
So much has been written about teenagers by all sorts of experts that I who am not an expert feel very diffident in speaking on this subject. One qualification I suppose is that we have had 3 teenagers – but the youngest has now passed from teen to twenty – and none ended up in the courts.
We made mistakes no doubt as one sees on looking back, and some things stand out as having been right. All I can do is to share some of these with you who I'm sure have felt them same.
We thought of our children as gifts from God, and when we knew they were coming we thanked Him and committed them to Him for the whole of their lives. It makes a difference when we know they belong to Him and are entrusted to us to train for Him.
From their birth, and before, we prayed that they might grow up to love and serve the Lord Jesus, and that was our constant prayer.
We prayed when they were in the cot. So prayer was always a part of their growing. We told them of the heavenly Father and the love of the Lord Jesus as they could take it in, and went on to teach them from the Bible. So they knew it was the Book we depended on.
When they were tiny we took them with some offering for the Harvest Festival. Big, hebby. When old enough they came with us. So different.
Sunday evenings acted scenes from the Old Testament.
Think that they always enjoyed going. It makes a great difference going with parents.
In a way I find Sunday dinner about the easiest of the week, put in oven and leave in there. Covered dish is the secret.
Many drift away from Church and its activities when they leave Sunday School. I don't think this happens so much if they are in the habit of going with their parents. Also if they are encouraged to attend the activities provided for their age group and move up to that with their friends. They may like to bring a friend back to tea and that I think should be encouraged. Just simple hospitality but let it be warm-hearted and welcoming.
Try to make Sunday a special day. The Jews welcome the Sabbath which begins on Friday evening as a bride is welcomed.
In Poland we used to see the supper table decked with a white cloth and lit with a branched candlestick. I always thought it was a beautiful idea. Something the family especially likes. (Jelly)
It is very important to have time for the children when they want to talk. So often when they come in from school, full of what had happened. (or at bedtime) Listen with attention – they know if your mind is on something else. Failure here may start a gap between us and them which is very hard to bridge when it has grown wide. Keep close to them as they grow for it is so precious to have their confidence. It is worth letting the job in hand wait if necessary.
This brings up the question of mother going out to work. Being with them and not being too tired to enter into their interests is worth FAR MORE than luxuries.
Simplicity
Discuss things together as a family. They can learn so much is parents talk with them about what is in the news or what they are learning at school, and we learn what they are thinking. Remember that as they grown older they may have different views and we should not crush them but be willing to hear what they have to say.
Talk about marriage before the question arises from them and tell them the qualities that are needed to make a happy marriage.
Discipline there should be, but for their own good. Such things as having a time for them to come home in the evenings. Try to show the reasonableness of what you ask. Father and Mother should be in agreement on important things. I think young people are much happier if they realise their parents have definite standards and keep to them. It gives them the security which is so vital.
I'm sure sometimes they are trying us out when they argue strongly about something they want to do. Once our daughter after vigorously pleading for something gave up saying, “Well I thought you'd say no.” and seemed perfectly satisfied.
But let them know you love them. Don't think it is a matter of course and doesn't need saying. I don't mean sentimental sugariness, but now and then give them a hug or kiss to tell them you love them. Not possessive: they are only ours to bring up. Boys especially needs lots of love. they are very sensitive about our attitude to their friends. If you must criticise, do it with sympathy and gentleness.
It is terribly easy to get into a habit of criticism. It has a very bad effect on children, and they don't like it.
Another thing, beware of a nagging spirit or reproaching husband in front of children. DON'T DO IT.
Tape recorder.
If they grow up courteous and polite to all, especially old folk, it will stand to them all their lives. How often I told ours that nice manners cost nothing but mean such a lot.
Pray for them every day, that our heavenly Father will keep them when temptations come or difficulties arise, and that they may come to know the Lord Jesus as their Saviour and their Friend.
We can pray at our work, but we need to set aside a regular time for coming into God's Presence, not just to ask for blessings, but to tait on Him, to learn from the Bible which is the Book He has given to show us the way. It is never out of date.
Spurgeon was once asked a question about defending the Bible. "Defend the Bible? I'd as soon defend a lion. Let it loose and it will defend itself."
Ask for the Holy Spirit to teach us and be willing to obey what we read, and we shall learn to follow Christ. We shall learn that our Father cares most deeply that our children's lives should be the best for Him.
Jesus said, "I am come that they might have life, life more abundant."
Fight for this time. Morning after breakfast. When sorrow comes we shall know where to turn. We are apt to get discouraged by something we read in the papers or think old-fashioned.
It is easy to if we get out of touch with Him, and with our fellow Christians. Scots minister - coal off fire.
Our country used to believe the Bible a rule of life, and so we have had a far higher standard of morals than most countries. In danger of losing it, because the Bible has been neglected.
It is up to us to lead our families in the heavenly way, and if we seek to do this I think we can claim the promise of Isaiah 54:
All thy children shall be taught of the Lord, and great shall be the peace of thy children.
At the farewell to Martin and Emily when they were moving to St Andrew's, Oxford in 1964, one speaker gave a recipe for the ideal vicar's wife, ending 'must be imperturbable.' She said that Emily was just that wife; but the appearance of imperturbability was hard-won.
Asked what they would like as a leaving present, Martin, now 57, and Emily aged 64 chose a television, something they had never possessed, and which they thought that a smaller parish would give them time to enjoy. The churchwardens consulted, and told them that people would think that too frivolous a gift. Instead they were given a coffee table, which at the time they did not much want. One suspects that most if not all of the congregation had televisions, so the decision smacks of hypocrisy.
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The vicarage was in Watford Road, a leafy road whose other residents were probably prosperous businessmen and solicitors. Its posh surroundings and ancient brass plate with the words still just visible: 'Do not ring unless an answer is required' attracted the scorn of the local newspaper soon after Emily arrived. Behind its comfortable façade the house was subsiding in the clay soil, slipping into the excavated and levelled lawn, and splits were appearing in the kitchen walls.
