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CHAPTER III
1856-60
CONVALESCENCE, VEXATIONS, SPIRITUAL GROWTH
Early in September (1856) the invalid was so far convalescent as to be able to get about again. On the tenth of the month he was well enough to cross to the Continent, where he remained until the middle of November. In company with his mother, his sister Janet, and
his brother William, who was invalided on account of wounds received at Inkerman, he visited the German baths. From his diary it appears that he did not remain long under treatment, but rather trusted to constant change of scene for the restoration to health of which he was in search.
Stationed at the Curragh
With the end of the year his leave expired, and on January 1, 1857, he was on duty once more at
Curragh in Ireland. For some reason not divulged he obtained further leave in a month's time, and paid a short visit to Paris, stopping at Boulogne and Abbeville on the way. But early in March he returned to Curragh, and for the remainder of the year he was, with very brief intervals, on duty in Ireland, or at Brompton Barracks, Chatham.
During this period frequent laments are found in the diary over lapses of duty occasioned by forgetfulness or unpunctuality. This latter fault clung to the soldier all his life, and it is a very curious fact that, although fully recognising its seriousness and suffering continually from the inconvenience it caused him, he was never able to quite overcome it.
Not even his anxiety to perform his religious duties with unswerving regularity could prevail against it, for the one entry in his diary more frequent than any other is, 'Late for church.'
Failing the Staff College Exam
In the early part of 1858 Captain Acton suffered much from his eyes. It was particularly unfortunate, as he was studying hard for the Staff College examination, which was close at hand. He was not at all sanguine about passing, and after wrestling with the mathematical paper on the first day (February 1), he expressed the opinion in his diary that it would throw him out altogether. So indeed it proved, for, although he did well with the succeeding papers, he received three weeks later notice of his failure and an order to join his regiment, which was then stationed at Deal.
Good resolutions
Discouraged, possibly, by his want of success, he does not appear to have put much heart into his work at this time, and he suddenly found himself face to face with a very unpleasant situation. The exact nature of the neglected duties cannot be determined, but the following extract from the diary gives some indication of their importance and of the remorse caused by their non-fulfilment:
'20th, 1 a.m. — Cannot sleep, thinking of clothing, etc., and that I shall not be able to make up the accounts — see what want of energy, laziness, irresolution, slothfulness has brought me to. I can now see my neglect of duty in all this as, whether rightly or wrongfully, I took the work on myself. Having done so it was my duty to see that it was properly done, and I have been dishonest in not doing my duty more faithfully. In all this as a thousand times similarly in greater or less things, by my supineness have I culpably slipt into trouble and as often repented and resolved amendment with no result. If I shall be graciously permitted to see the next anniversary of this day, may I look back with some feeling of satisfaction that I have at length made some improvement, and I trust from this day I may set myself studiously to work to retrieve as far as possible my neglect, avoiding any temptation to seek pleasure or amusement that may draw me from doing my duty. No doubt this was a very sufficient reason for my not succeeding in entering the Staff College, and a pretty Staff Officer I should make.'
Second attempt at the Staff College Exam
To one determination Captain Acton adhered steadily, and that was to try again for entrance into the Staff College. To this end he worked more or less persistently, and could he have had his way, he would have presented himself for examination six months after his failure, that is, in August, 1858. But, in all probability very wisely, this was not permitted. While success would have meant everything to him, a second failure just then might have had disastrous consequences. His reputation would suffered in some degree, and he was in such a pessimistic mood about himself that a reverse might have had a very serious effect upon his character.
It was not until July, 1860, that he actually did go up for his second examination. He was exceedingly nervous, and began badly, but, as his diary tells us, he prayed for help and was enabled to finish in a much more collected frame of mind. Still, his performance was evidently not brilliant, and, after seven far from happy days, he could only be wretchedly uncertain about the result. When, after four months, the news came to him that he had passed, he took it very quietly, and simply said, "It is the greatest event of my life."
Depressed? He needs a wife!
During the three and a half years covered by this chapter Charles Acton's spiritual life perceptibly deepened. He became a regular communicant, and, objectionable knack of leaving behind unpleasant reminders of its visit. Day after day during this period we find records indicating much self-abasement — of trains lost, appointments forgotten, duties unfulfilled, and work time devoted to chess or other forms of recreation.
We cannot help thinking also that his state of. mind may have been partly due to a lack of sympathetic companionship. Charles Acton's refined and sensitive nature needed sympathy in no ordinary measure, but there is no evidence that any such happy influence was brought to bear upon his life at this time. It was a great pity, as a little cheery, sympathetic encouragement would probably have done more than anything else to help him to throw off his despondency, and with it the faults which were such a grievous affliction.
In after years, when the truest and best of all earthly companionships was given to him, there was a great change. Serious thoughtfulness still prevailed, but the gloominess vanished, and was replaced by a brightness of which these early years gave but little promise.
Next chapter.
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